I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
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