I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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