and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
