so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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