I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
