i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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