I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
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