just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
