I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
