I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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