I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
