The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize