You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
