just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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