And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
