for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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