Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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