I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
