Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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