Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
