every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
