Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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