the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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