So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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