I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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