Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
