I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
