i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
