for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
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