Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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