Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
