Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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