I could make wine with my vomit
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
