hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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