Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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