So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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