I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
