The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
