My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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