The best revenge is premature balding
Princesses don't give blow jobs
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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