I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
