It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
