this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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