just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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