I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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