so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
