I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
