My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize