dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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