I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I can't turn off my feet"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
