think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
