guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
