Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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