I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
