How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
being pregnant is like rehab
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
This is my gift to your gina
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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