After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
