Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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