I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize