I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
