apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
