Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
