Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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