he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
